Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pieces of my heart...

It’s been a few months since I’ve written a blog post. Life has gotten a little crazy and blogging seems like the last thing I have time for these days. But sometimes a girl just needs to get some thoughts out of her head and put them on paper, and today is one of those days. Or rather, tonight is one of those nights.

If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you know I’m passionate about a few things. I’m passionate about the beauty of womanhood. I’m passionate about purity. And I’m passionate about living life with Jesus. There are probably a few more things to add to that list, like chocolate chip cookies and warm, fluffy slippers, but tonight I have some thoughts on living life with Jesus.

I moved back to Minnesota about 3 months ago, and I feel like ever since I got here, I’ve just been running, trying to keep up with life. I haven’t ignored Jesus in this process, but I have to admit, there have been a few days when I haven’t fully invited Him along either. And it’s usually on those days that I start feeling down in the dumps and wondering what I’m even doing here. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now… don’t wake up in the morning and forget to let Jesus tag along with you throughout the day. For one thing, He’s really good at tagging along and He also really loves it.

I’m going to admit something, out loud, to my world of readers out there. I’m lonely. For the first time in my life I am struggling with major feelings of loneliness that I can’t even begin to understand. Now you might think I’m crazy, because if you know me, you know that I live on a college campus, surrounded by a lot of people every day. So you might be thinking, “How on earth is she lonely? She thinks she’s lonely? She has so many people to talk to everyday!” And it’s true, I do. But somehow deep within me, something is missing. It’s a longing that I can’t describe. For those of you who are giggling on the inside, and thinking I’m just longing to get married, think again! While I do desire to be married someday, I also know that the longing within me cannot be satisfied by the companionship of a man. The loneliness I feel is something that can only be satisfied by my Creator, the One who loved me enough to sacrifice life in a huge way for me. Simply me.

Have you ever thought about that? How God, would have sacrificed His only Son, just for you? He needed no other reason. You were enough. He loved you that much. He still does. It seems simple to a lot of us when we read it, but when we actually stop to think about it, it’s incredibly profound. That kind of love is hard to find. Actually, it’s impossible to find. There is only one source and it is through the life giving blood of Jesus. Nothing else can satisfy like that, no human, no animal, no product of man.

I wish it were that easy… that we could just find it in the things we can feel and touch every day. I miss my mom’s dog. I really do. He likes to cuddle and he’ll sit on my lap for hours on end and cry when I leave his presence. It’s a strangely satisfying feeling when someone, or something, loves you that much. Don’t worry, I’m not about to compare Jesus to my mom’s cuddly, lap sitting dog. What I am going to say is that Jesus longs to fulfill whatever deep longings you have within you. He created you for longing and He created you for loving.

In the world today there are so many things that we can turn to in our attempts to satisfy that longing that lies deep within. The enemy has filled this earth with so many counterfeits to the true nature of Christ and the love relationship that we were created to be in. If we aren’t careful we will be sucked in, drawn to even the tiniest, most “innocent” counterfeit satisfaction, drawing us away from the One and only true satisfaction of our souls. The longer we look, without drawing from the true source of life and love, the further away we will find ourselves. We’ll walk into the lion’s den of false hope and pleasure in the confines of money, sex, and other worldly “treasures,” but none of these will ever do. We will just keep seeking, keep looking, continue being disappointed, and never find the answer.

There have been times in my life, some past, some more recent, when I have looked through the wrong window or cracked open the wrong door, looking for the answer to my loneliness and longing, only to be disappointed, left with feelings of guilt and shame. And then there have been times in my life, some past, some more recent, when I have knocked on the right door and asked the right One to live my life with me, and to teach me how to be truly satisfied in Him and Him alone. My heart longs for the day when inviting Him to walk with me will be the most natural thing in the world. I’m getting there, but I’m still far away, still holding onto false realities at times, thinking I know the right answer and neglecting to trust in the only One who really does satisfy all of my desires.

So what’s the point of writing this? Well, I have a feeling I’m not alone in my loneliness. I’m not even sure if loneliness is the right word to use here. I’m actually not even sure that the English language has a proper word for what I feel, and what I’m attempting to describe. How do you describe what it feels like to be unsatisfied apart from God? It’s much deeper than loneliness, deeper than despair, deeper than just a heart longing. It’s a place that I can’t comprehend, but what I do know is that once I begin to feel even just a twinge of what it’s like to have the Lord satisfy those feelings of loneliness and despair, I realize that nothing really describes that either.


  1. Loved your post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Sarah Ussery

  2. it's funny, from what I've seen, most people who claim to know God are just as lonely and empty as those who don't.

    1. The loneliness only exists apart from God. I know God and I wrote about loneliness but it's all because I don't let Him go to those places we all need Him to fill. He's just waiting for me to open the door and allow Him to fill that void. I've let Him in at times and shut Him out at times. Let Him in and you will no longer feel empty.