Thursday, April 29, 2010


I'm at a place where I have to surrender everything I've ever known. My heart aches at this surrender because I don't know anything more than just that...simply surrender. This has been a long time coming. God has been laying it on my heart and asking me to surrender my life and even the work that I love, giving it all completely to Him. It doesn't make sense to my logical mind, but the ache in my heart to know Him more and to follow Him with wholehearted abandon and love is greater than any pain or struggle that I have ever known. Right now I can do nothing but follow God and somehow trust Him with all of this. The problem is, I don't know how to trust. I've spent so many years pretending that I was okay on the outside, while inside my heart was unable to trust anything or anyone. Now after several years of plowing, the Lord has brought me to a place of openness and vulnerability that I have never been in before, and the next step in that openness is to step back from myself, let go of control, and trust. It's a scary place to be, especially when I feel like no one is there to hold my hand through the process. I feel so alone, yet I know I am not because He is there walking beside me all the way. But even having faith that He is there is a place of trust I do not yet grasp. All I know is that I desperately want to be held by Him and to really know that He will never let me go. Nothing I do, no one I talk to, nor any book I read will lead me to this place of trust. For so long my hope has been found in seeing the lives of my friends and other women that I love and care about being transformed by their Maker. Watching the Lord move and work in the hearts of His precious daughters is all that has brought me through, because I know that the freedom He brings and gives is so true, and I don't doubt the testimonies that I see. But in my own life I've been waiting, waiting for so long for the Lord to break in and grant me the freedom that I seek through His unconditional love. The promise is there, but the reality is still unseen. And so I'm giving my heart and giving my all to this thing we call surrender and I'm asking Him to meet me in that place and teach me to trust.